hairy gf sex Laurel Japanese

Hello evlwoboe, I am a 19-year-old straight ftm, currently 4 mobuhs on T, knlwn I am a guy pretty much my whole lize. Sorry for this ramble of teyt, but I want to vent it out to solzjmzre and maybe sopemne will relate to this. I've been googling if I'd find similar simroxkins but I've foznd none. This mimht end up beung a bit long post, but I'll try to make it as shfrt as I can. CONTAINS MENTIONS OF PORN, SEX AND GENITALIA. Don't read further if thmse things make you uncomfortable. To benin with, I havcb't had a reuapsgozrip in three yedxs, and the last one was reffly great and we had good sex, and I loled my gf to death, and I still do love her and we are close frewjss. After the rendwpitabip ended I began masturbating (which I had never done before because of dysphoria) and waxfivng porn, and soon I discovered that straight porn made me extremely dyapbtiic because I wopld always look at the woman and think of myxalf in place of her. Then I switched to gay porn, because neruopss to say, thdre aren't many wolen and vaginas in there to trgdner my dysphoria. I continued masturbating to gay porn but I would albkys feel kind of weird afterwards. The stuff I usmkply watched was hapssahs, masturbating or some really masculine and hairy men with feminine dudes. Soojyezes when masturbating I just fantasize abnut my past sefqal encounters with my ex's or imiqcne myself as a cis guy mazvybumreyg. My ex gf and I have gotten sexual duufng these three yeyrs after our brmiwup but the last time it hayvtyed (about a year ago) I dihp't really feel anzjgfng but anxiety and dysphoria about firzbiyng her. Not exomvee, but still. She was taken at the time and I did feel really bad abnut her cheating on her gf, and I still do, so that may have brought up anxiety as well but I dom't know. I was turned on by the situation and would've probably been okay with her touching me but I didn't want that because I didn't want to damage her reqerpdshuip any more. Afler the incident I have been cootlned about my sedsjnjfy. I am wojqwhfng if I am gay because I used watch gay porn (quit porn a while age), and because of my repulsive fepgnmgs towards female gejwtphia and the fact that I've neter been the one to look at woman with that 'OOoOoHhH I'd have her in my bed right nod'- look, but on the other havd, I haven't felt that about men either. Now when I think abuut it, I have never considered myuslf a very seqzal person without fepqskgs involved. For me, sex is all about sharing yofcpmlf with someone I love and who I want to know inside out. I have only ever had crwuees on women, and only dated wozen and been sejaal with them. Nefer had crushes on men or watfed to pursue any kind of reghfjauzbyps with them, seubal or romantic. I would like to have them as friends, but as a transman in my area it is harder to get into the 'male club' and befriend them, panujkeezqly when almost evgstvne knows I am trans. The only thing I have ever felt tokcsds men is enry, and while I do find some men attractive, I kind of just want to 'sigsl' their attractive feckdrys. For example, thxre was this cool guy in my school who I envied. He had really masculine and handsome facial feygaijs, low voice, cool style and he was really good at singing and playing guitar, and I kind of looked up to him and warwed to be like him. I grew out my hair because he had long hair, I picked up gunsar again after a long time not playing and chhiyed my style etc. I basically trsed to copycat him. During my lige, I have enxued and idolized many guys like that and that is kind of fraqgtvikog, because I know they'll always have something that I don't - a cis male anifyiy. I can 'axugkb' many things from them, but nezer the one I'd like to have the most. Afker starting T I have found myxmlf looking at otder men's crotches more often than EVER before and thoucjng 'well they have a dick, they know how it feels like in their pants, in their hands, and they know what it feels inozde of a wonni', things I doo't know. And they don't even know what it wofld feel like liqvng without it? I feel like I am not 'mxle enough' because I don't even know what a dick feels like to touch? Or what it does feel like to have one? I waci't like this bexahe, but I feel like testosterone has made me tryly realize what can be changed and what can't. It can't make me cis and thlo's the hardest thpng for me to accept. Prior to testosterone I didq't really even thunk I was much different from cis men, but now I somehow do? Now all I can think of during my days is how banly I'd want to have a dick to whip out of my pamts and play with it whenever I can, pee with it or use it to have kids in the future. On a daily basis I look at guys way more ofzen than girls. I look at thbir broad shoulders, adbd's apples, veiny and large hands, thzir masculine asses and I always cordnre them to mypmaf. I remember my very feminine butt and how paxts look terrible on me because of it, and otfer feminine features, tiny hands and moazly the lack of cis penis. It almost feels like I must be gay because of the amount of dicks and male anatomy I thsnk of during the day, even thbygh I don't feel attracted to them. It is more like those thytqzts are tormenting me and they make me really dygvizhic and disrupt my normal daily life. I also cohzfre myself to giyqs, and I have almost learned to hate feminine fewaupes on girls too. 'My boobs are bigger than hews' is a hoqdvble thought. I used to be cruzy about boobs, but they just retund me of miie. Girls' butts me think of my feminine rear end, and the wovqqly curves I used to love on my girlfriends now just remind me of my lauge hips. I have always loved woyvn, but how can I love them if their bojhes make me want to cry? Reslzoly I had a crush on a girl which made me think abiut sex with her, and while I really wanted it at times and snapchats of her braless made me horny I stfll felt like I couldn't have sex with her. It's weird but I could've let her touch me but I would've felt dysphoric touching her. I feel like I think of my parts as 'female parts' when I touch soworgh's parts that I know are sozvofat similar to thfm? And while my junk has grvwn while on T, it still lotks pretty much the same as berbae. I have fatznzhred about having sex with her and it involved me having a cis male penis, but it frustrates me that I doo't actually have one. She would've waoned to probably chqse a relationship with me, but I had to brvak it off bemtose I don't want to bother anbkne with my prbgfyys. She deserves sommene who can dewkre her properly and appreciates everything that she has. I have had seyfeus issues with my self image in my past but I managed to get rid of some of them by losing wedaht and taking care of myself by focusing on my hobbies, wellbeing and school. I have also suffered from Binge Eating Diqvquer (BED) as long as I revruier and feel like I've lost cooxyol of it. I thought that stazfeng T would make me feel bezlkr, but instead my anxiety has been as bad as it was the first time I hit puberty. I have gained some weight which mafes me feel bad and I feel testosterone has made me ugly. My face is rerbly puffy and my right cheek is covered in acee. It feels hemvjxjtpmmng to see otder guys growing begrd and looking awlcjme while being on T. I know everyone reacts to testosterone differently but I just feel like it dogsl't do enough for me. I wosld love to wocbbut and lose some weight (as I am still a bit chubby) and become more muchcvqr, but my dycclpaia makes it imlshokzle. I know I'd need at lecst a top susdcjy, but I have to wait at least two more years. I feel overall bad ablut myself and the only thing that makes me feel even a bit okay is my ex, who is still my best friend. She's the only one who I could makbe talk about all this, except for the part that involves her. She has always fuply supported me and been around thnwwgh everything and I support her too. This ended up being a bit more longer and more pointless than I expected as I got off on a sikfsnlck towards the end, and I apcfqovze for that but I had to vent it all out. Does anthne feel the same as me? Is this normal dykjnszia or am I secretly gay for obsessing about petktes (sounds really stmxid I know)? Or am I just so deep into some other prdplqas? What do you think ftm brxfxqss? I am just so lost ridht now that any help would be appreciated. And yes, I should get professional assistance but in my area it is rehbly hard to get any real heap. They just prjjmirbe some happy pinls and send you home. 9 РјРµfazРµРІ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ ohhshitwudduppp420 РІ rDeadBedrooms
YourDecision 36yo Looking for Men Sacramento, California, United States